


Exhausted

by breatherepeat



Series: Learning to love yourself [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Adolescent Sexuality, Bullying, Comfort/Angst, Established Relationship, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Panic Attacks, Questioning, Self-Acceptance, Self-Esteem Issues, Sexual Assault, Sexuality, Sexuality Crisis, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2019-08-02
Packaged: 2020-07-19 11:29:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19973326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breatherepeat/pseuds/breatherepeat
Summary: Dan has spent years in therapy unpacking the issues of his past and coming to terms with himself. In order to complete his journey of self-acceptance, he knew he would have to face some difficult aspects of his past. The only way to work through years of repressed memories is to bring them to light and process them.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is exaggerated fiction based on some of the topics referenced in Dan's past. I base no claims that this is true, but unfortunately, the themes in this story are all too common.

It is not a breakdown but a breakthrough. 

Except when the breakdown is actually happening to you, it doesn't feel like a breakthrough. It feels like the weight of everything collapsing down around you all at once, and the thoughts that just won't fucking STOP. 

Irrational thoughts are the worst because you know they are irrational but they linger no matter how much you talk back to them. And they are sneaky little bastards too because you can be going about your day and...

Psst: youre a failure 

Psst: it is all going to go away

Psst: he is going to get sick of your shit one day if you dont sort it out

The last one always hit him the hardest. It was the driving force that made him start therapy and keep going back, even when it was uncomfortable and he just didn't want to have to exhume his feelings anymore. 

And it was a completely irrational thought because Phil never gave him any indication that he would ever leave. He literally had seen Dan at his worst multiple times over, with Dan treating him like shit for no reason outside of the demons in his head. Yet he never spoke about leaving. Phil reassured him more times then he could count that he loved him, flaws and all, and that he was in it for the duration. Phil had his breakdowns and freakouts as well over the years. And Dan was always there for Phil, because he still had a bit of hero worship when it came to Phil and he wasn't going to let anyone talk down about him. Even Phil himself. 

Yet the damn thought kept coming back. 

His therapist asked him why Dan thought it kept coming back. Because therapy was about digging through your own shit to find your own answers. Therapists are there to help guide you and pull you back to reality if you get too deep. 

Dan had worked hard in therapy. Harder than he probably ever worked at anything because once he started to realize the impact it was having on his life, he was addicted. He didn't need the medication anymore and he stopped snapping at Phil about stupid, insignificant issues. Eat the cereal, Phil. Hope you enjoy your sugary snack that was meant for me. What is mine is yours. It was okay that the toothpaste didn’t always get the cap put back on, or even that the toothpaste tube would end up in the kitchen when Dan went to use it in the bathroom. Loving Phil meant that their world would not always be neat and ordered. But that was okay. Not that he was a saint about it because, come on Philip, leave him some damn cereal every now and then. 

Embracing the philosophy that it is what it is, but we can still strive to make it better, started to allow Dan to make peace with his flaws. And Phil’s flaws. 

"Because I'm not being honest with myself. If I cannot be honest with myself, then I'm being dishonest to him. I’m being dishonest to us." Dan answered the question two weeks later in another therapy session. Dan and Phil were spending all their time preparing for their second tour, with deadlines fast approaching. And Dan almost quit the whole show because he couldn’t be the person he was any longer. It was exhausting to have the constant shame weighing him down. “And if my issues cause it to no longer be us, and he really does leave, I will have proven myself right. I’m not worthy of love. Of happiness. Because of this thing about me that I can’t even be honest about. Next year will be ten years. Ten years of hiding the best part of myself. And countless more years of holding onto this shame. Its exhausting.” 

"Okay, you narrowed down on the issue. Now, what do you have in your control?" It was a common theme that ran through the majority of Dan's sessions. He needed to identify what he didn’t like about the situation and then analyze how he could either change the situation or learn to accept it. 

"I need to tell my family." Dan sighed as he sat back further in the soft, oversized chair. He liked that his therapist was also a taller man and understood the importance of proportioned furniture. "I mean, it is getting a bit ridiculous, isn’t it? I want more with Phil and I can never have that without telling them first. Can't buy a house with best friend. Can't adopt a dog with a best friend. Can't give them grandchildren with a best friend. And if they cannot accept it, then I need to make peace with the fact that I can survive without them in my life."

"Okay, what's the plan?" 

The plan, it turned out, was to tell himself that he was going to tell his family for over a year before he did. 

It was Phil's idea following the end of the tour and the making of the DVD, because all of Dan's great ideas typically started with Phil, for Dan to take some time for himself. They would wrap up the gaming channel by ending their series and crown a victor for the Dan vs. Phil. The new year would allow no distractions and time for Dan to fully commit to dealing with the barriers preventing him from telling his family about the most important thing in his life. He was in love with a man and in the process of creating a life with him. 

After the failed attempt at Christmas, Dan told himself the next gathering would be the right time. 

It wasn’t. 

It was being in that town again. And being in that house again. The house that had the room where he hid to escape the awful reality of his life and allowed himself to be his most vulnerable. The room where he learned too many truths about himself that he was not ready for yet. 

He told Colin on Easter Sunday and he was very compassionate about the news. He laid his head down on Dan's lap and gave him the most loving look back. Dan swore the dog was human in a past life. Maybe he was a gay man in a past life and understood the vulnerability of sharing that piece of himself with someone. 

  
  


Before the whole process of actively wading through his shame began, Dan warned Phil that he would need time to immerse himself in everything to find himself on the other side. He warned him that he might get distant but to just give him time. 

His natural tendency to isolate while dealing with his thoughts did not work for the process of facing his shame. To the surprise of both Dan and Phil, Dan became very clingy. 

Laying on the floor or a comfortable couch alone didn't help anymore. He needed physical contact to ground himself. 

He began to sit closer and seek his contact throughout the day, with Phil more than happy to give Dan anything he needed. It wasn't unusual to find Dan attached to his side as Phil scrolled through the internet or sat in the kitchen with him while Phil cooked their meal. 

Therefore, Phil wasn't concerned to wake up from an afternoon nap in their bed to find Dan's head underneath Phil’s shirt, laying his head on his stomach. Dan was working on the script for the video and still contemplating how he was going to tell his family he was in love with Phil. 

"'ello." Phil reached for his glasses and put them on. There was a Dan sized lump resting on his stomach that had moved with him but made the movement harder. Dan's even breaths were brushing across his skin. Dan had one arm wrapped around Phil's leg, with his hand underneath his thigh. The rest of Dan’s body barely fit on the end of the bed, with Dan curling his legs to make them fit. "It must be warm under there. Are you coming out any time soon?"

"Not yet." Dan's voice was low but loud enough in the quiet room for Phil to hear. Their room was sensory friendly, with soft light and calming aesthetics. There was no outside light allowed and no loud devices allowed. Candles regularly provided a calming effect as well, but there was no candles lit that day. 

Phil stretched his body to wake himself up more, mindful not to disturb Dan. After a few more moments of watching Dan hide underneath his shirt, Phil rested his hand on the back of Dan's head. Dan tensed immediately and pushed into the soft flesh of his stomach. 

"Please don't touch me right now." And Dan knew that was being unfair because he was literally wrapped up in Phil and not respecting any personal boundaries. 

“Want to share with me what is going on?” Phil went with the gentle but direct approach as he spread both of his arms out from his sides. Whatever demon Dan was battling right now needed Phil to respect his wishes and he was more than willing to be Dan’s comfort object in the process. 

The silence lingered in the room, both focusing on the even breathing of the other. 

Then, Dan spoke. 

Dan hates parties. There were too many people to focus on and too many social expectations that just did not come second nature to him. But everyone was celebrating the end of exams and the fact that they were done revising for at least the rest of the summer. The party was out in the middle of a field, with people drinking and talking about their plans for the future. There was a mix of people with unconditional acceptances into university, a mix of people that were anxiously awaiting their exam results, and then two that decided to enter the workforce. Another handful had plans to explore the world with a gap year. Dan's gap year plan was less exotic than the rest. His plan was to do the least amount of work possible while earning money for when he did go to university. It had nothing to do with the fact that he had no idea what he wanted to study or what university he wanted to go to.

It was getting later in the evening and the sun had long since set. People around him were enjoying themselves, with conversation and alcohol, and maybe some weed, allowing everyone to relax into the summer months.

Dan couldn't relax fully though. It wasn't safe to let his guard down among his group of peers. Peers that had low-key teased and tortured him since he was a young child. Dan knew he brought it on himself. He tried to "fit in with the lads" over the years, but it did not come natural to him like it appeared to come natural to everyone else. He was loud and annoying at times, and spoke properly and with opinions. Other times he would withdraw into himself so deeply that he did not realize other people were around him. 

He had tried on many different identities throughout his adolescence in an attempt to either fit in, stand out, or otherwise just survive. His "bisexual" phase had felt liberating at the time, but he quickly learned that while it was cool to mess with gender and sexuality norms if you were in a band and had millions of adoring fans, the males at his school just saw it as Dan drawing another target on his back. 

Lads that would call him a variety of homophobic and derogatory names even if teachers were present. Dan had attempted to talk to one of his teachers about it a few years back, but it was turned around into "boys will be boys" and that Dan needed to develop a thicker skin if wanted to style his hair like that. So he continued to take it and act like it didn't bother him, and he saved the tears for the privacy of his own room.

There were a few lads at the party that had done more than just call Dan names over the years. He had been pushed into lockers and doors, had his clothes ruined by orange juice being thrown on him, had rocks thrown at him, been blocked in the gym lavatory for half of the day, been punched in the stomach and face, and once even had his body slammed so hard onto the floor of the hallway that he lost consciousness for a few seconds. 

The most confusing lads were the ones that called him names in front of their mates yet then would give him looks when no one was watching. It was no secret that Dan advertised himself as fancing both girls and boys for a period of time, and no matter how much he tried to retract his previous statement, even with a girlfriend by his side, Dan was seen as potentially available for sex. Dan was not into sports and traditional “masculine” activities, with his gentle nature seen as almost feminine at times. Surrounded by adolescent testosterone in an all male school led to blokes asking him to suck them, or wank them, or even kiss them at times. Without biological females to satisfy their adolescent lust, the “other” category they put Dan into made Dan a sexual object. Dan refused and attempted to ignore the suggestions, but some were more forceful than others.

There was a time where one of them found him walking the hallway alone and pushed him against the wall to rub against him. Dan pushed him away and quickly slid out from underneath him, but not before the boy forced Dan's hand down to touch along his erection. Dan ran to his next class, entering in late and sat in the furthermost back seat. His face was red and he couldn't catch his breath, but he told himself it was just because he ran to class. He had no idea what lesson was being taught that day. That night he wished to just be able to fit in. It didn't work. 

His girlfriend was nice and kind. She knew about the rumours and Dan's past stating his bisexuality, but Dan assured her that it was just a phase and he was trying out an identity. The emo guys in the bands were cool and he wanted to be like them. Be like them with their confidence and ease, not fuck them. When he quit swimming because there was a boy there that had the most beautiful eyes, it was because Dan was jealous of the colour. Not because he thought the boy caught him staring too many times. He was not interested in boys and he wanted to be with her. She wanted a boyfriend and for whatever reason, she thought Dan was the right boyfriend for her. She didn't see the brunt of the bullying and suggestions about Dan's sexuality. Dan was pretty sure that if she went to the same school as him, she would have had broken it off with him a lot earlier than she did.

There was one boy that Dan did not mind the attention of at school. Kieran had straight brown hair and the bluest eyes Dan had ever seen. Even prettier than the boy on the swim team. He was tall and into sports, with a group of mates always surrounding him. Kieran would not tease Dan like the other boys did, but he also wouldn't come to his defense. But that was okay, because who would want to make themselves vulnerable for the freak?

Dan told himself that it was a crush because he wanted to be Kieran. Just like the boys in the bands. Everything was easy for him. He got good marks, his mates respected him, he had a beautiful girlfriend that would cheer him on during sports events, and most importantly, he was confident in everything he did. 

Kieran took an interest in Dan following a smart-ass comment Dan made against one of their teachers. He waited for everyone to leave the classroom and then he told Dan, "Good one." Kieran would give him the same look the other boys would when they suggested Dan do something to them, but Kieran never asked. 

Kieran kept appearing randomly in school when no one else was around. Dan began to question whether Kieran was setting him up for something, because no one at the school was ever this nice to him. In frustration following a pleasant encounter after school, Dan asked him what he was doing talking to him all the time. Kieran smiled and said that he thought Dan was interesting, not boring like everyone else at school. Dan let his guard down a bit in his interactions with Kieran following the talk, with thought that maybe Kieran was just another one of those rare people that were actually kind. 

Kieran would flirt with Dan, but only when no one else was around. The brief flirting moments with Kieran were loads more exciting than the long make out sessions with his girlfriend. She was nice and smelled good, but flirting with Kieran was electric. 

In the boldest move since Dan announced his bisexuality years before, Dan stepped into Kieran's person space while they stood alone in the lavatory. Kieran's eyes were even more blue up close and Dan was aware of everything happening in his body all at once. It was Kieran who took the next step and Dan felt his lips on Kieran's. His lips were soft from what he could recall, with the awareness of what he was doing and where he was doing it blocking out all ability to notice anything else. 

The kiss was chaste, yet so much better than any kiss Dan had ever received in his life. It ended after a few seconds, with Kieran rushing out of the room without a word to Dan. Dan stood in the same spot for the next ten minutes attempting to relive the moment, with Dan allowing himself to imagine that he lived in a just and fair world. That Dan could break up with his girlfriend, and Kieran with his, and they could be together. The lads at school might tease him every now and then, but they would stop pushing him and suggesting rude things if Kieran was by his side. They respected Kieran and they would respect Dan because he was with him. 

Yet that would never happened because life is not a Disney fairy tale. No, life is more like the gruesome tales that fairy tales are based on.

Kieran completely ignored Dan following the kiss. There was no more stolen looks or moments spent alone in a room. No more sweet comments about his eyes or his dimples. No more jokes about stupid teachers or other students at the school. It just all stopped. And Dan forced himself to stop thinking about the kiss and what it could have meant. 

Instead he focused all of his attention on continuing to convince his girlfriend that his strong Christian upbringing wouldn't allow him to go further than making out and dry humping until he was married. On some days, he even convinced himself that was true.

Kieran was at the party. They kissed three months ago and no one knew, and Kieran acted like it never happened. Like nothing happened between them. Nothing, just like Dan felt. 

No, he felt exhausted. Exhausted with all the bullshit around him. Exhausted with thoughts about who he was and what he wanted to be. Exhausted with the idea that he could never make his family proud at the rate he was going. Exhausted that he could never tell anyone about his time with Kieran. Because if he told someone, than it would make everything they all had said about him true. 

  
  


"Hey, wait." Dan heard behind him.

The group was getting louder and the night was getting darker, and Dan just wanted to go home and escape into a video game or the internet. He had thrown his cup of whatever disgusting mix of alcohol and mixture his girlfriend had made for him an hour before away and left the group without a word to anyone. 

Kieran must have seen him trying to leave.

When Dan turned around, he forced himself to not think about how cute Kieran looked with his cheeks flush from the alcohol and how his hair looked like he had been rolling around in bed. He tried not to think about how he wished, probably for the first time ever, that he could allow himself to have feelings for a boy and that the boy would like him back enough to do something about it. And not run away in panic if they were honest with one another.

"Don't leave yet." Kieran smiled as he walked closer to Dan. The alcohol was making him clumsy and he stopped way too close to Dan for how they were both stood in an open field with the majority of the teenagers from the area behind them. They were far enough away that no one could hear them, but if anyone were to walk closer they could see how close they stood. "I haven't seen you...I have wanted to seen you. Or I have wanted to see you." 

Dan could smell the cheap beer on his breath, but he didn't want to turn away. School was done and the petty drama could go away too. Kieran and him could be together without the ignorant eyes of their classmates on them constantly. They could have the summer before Kieran went away to university. Dan could explore the feelings he never let himself feel. Kieran could make some of the exhaustion go away. 

"I keep thinking about you." Kieran leaned in closer and Dan stumbled backward at the extra weight. Kieran was a footballer and quite muscular, and Dan was just a lanky nerd that avoided most physical activity. He was only able to stop himself from falling because Kieran grabbed his left arm with more force than necessary. He could feel Kieran pressed up against his side, with Kieran's face dangerously close to his left ear. Dan could feel the warmth of his breath as Kieran whispered, "Your lips would look so good on my cock." 

Dan knew the alcohol was making Kieran braver than he would like to be sober, with the very real possibility that someone from the party could walk just a little bit closer and see everything that was happening. 

"You need to stop." Dan used all the strength he had to push Kieran back with his hands on Kieran's chest. But Kieran resisted and kept trying to pull Dan in closer. Dan tried to reason with him as they struggled. "They are right behind us. Stop." 

"Give 'em a right good show then." Kieran smirked as he pushed Dan down. The sudden change in direction confused Dan, and he was no longer being pushed toward Kieran but now down. He found himself hitting the dirt covered ground hard on his knees and his ankle bent strangely as it twisted behind him. Kieran's hands were now in his hair, messing up the 30 minutes Dan had spent on attempting to make it lay straight. Kieran's hands were strong, with Kieran grabbing a fist full of his hair and pressing Dan's face right into his crotch. Dan's nose and mouth were pressed against the zip of Kieran's jeans, with Dan able to feel Kieran growing hard underneath the cold metal. 

All at once, Dan found it hard to breathe. The hand in his hair was pressing him hard against the zip while Kieran rolled his hips into the pressure. Kieran was talking but Dan could only hear every few words. Suck it, yeah, and cock were the words Dan kept hearing repeated. Kieran was rock hard against his face and Dan had a sick thought if only he could breathe right now, and that there wasn't a hand ripping out sections of his hair, that he might have liked to do this willingly to Kieran. But not in a field full of people and not when he was being held down.

Dan could feel his heart pounding in his ears and a rough edge of a rock digging into his knee. Time appeared to stop, if only for a moment, and then Dan could breathe again. The cool air of the night hit his lungs fast and he felt like he was choking on it. It was short-lived and he lost his breath again as his face was smashed back against Kieran's erection, but this time there was no zip in the way. Dan's face met the soft skin of Kieran's cock, with the musky tang filling Dan's throat as he fought for air. Dan's survival instinct kicked in and he fought back. Pushing against Kieran's legs with his fists and then digging his nails into the thin material of the jeans. Dan must have surprised Kieran because his grip loosened for a second and Dan forced his face back to yell as loud as he ever imagined he could, "Stop." 

He didn't have enough air in his lungs to make it as loud as it needed to be the first time. Taking a deep breath that hurt his lungs, Dan tried again and got the attention of a few people on the outer edge of the group. He didn't want anyone to know but he couldn't stay where he was any longer without blacking out. Dan could distantly hear a few of Kieran's mates shouting about what was going on but all he could focus on was getting air back into his lungs. It felt like he couldn't get enough in at once, with air coming in short, gasping bursts. Kieran's hand released Dan's hair and he fell forward onto his hands.

"Kieran, what the fuck!?" One of the girls shouted from a close distance. She must have been able to see what was happening, with Dan on his hands and knees with Kieran stood with his jeans open. 

Dan heard the smack of Kieran's knee against his mouth more than he felt it. The force of the strong leg swinging against his weakened state sent him flying backwards. His head hit the ground and then bounced from the impact. He remembered thinking how cold the ground was. Then everything slowed down quickly. Dan could see the darkened sky above him, but it was hazy and much too narrow. His heartbeat was pounding too loud in his ears and he couldn't make out any other sounds. His lungs wouldn't expand enough to get air in and he felt like he was underwater, drowning in a field with every teenager in the area watching his death. 

Then a fist hit the side of his head by his left temple, forcing his head to roll to the opposite side. He gasped one last breath and let the darkness consume him.

He felt someone shaking his arms and yelling his name from a distance. The voice sounded afraid. "Daniel! Daniel! Wake up! Dammit, wake up!" 

His senses were coming back to him. The voice that was yelling appeared closer and he could start to hear the murmur of the people around him. There was someone shouting at Kieran about what happened. He swore he heard Kieran's voice say Dan jumped him. He could smell his girlfriend's perfume mixed with the general smell of alcohol and the dirt from the dusty field. He could taste the sharp copper of the blood in his mouth and how the inside of his mouth appeared stuck to his teeth. He felt like he might be sick and opened his eyes to warn someone. His right eye opened, but the left protested. It was too much effort to fight it, so Dan left it closed. 

He could see the blur of colours everywhere. The group must have crowded around them. His vision had not fully recovered yet, but he was glad because he did not want to see their faces.

"He came at me. Talking about wanting to be with me! Before I knew it, he was on his knees and I pushed him away. I shouted "stop" and when he didn't, I kneed him away. I punched him to make sure he would stay down. You know how they are." Kieran's voice rambled from a distance. 

Dan attempted a deeper breath and was happy to find that his lungs were working properly. Raising his left hand to his face, he felt the pain radiating through his arm and back. He must have fallen on his arm when he went down, or hurt it trying to push Kieran away. The shock was wearing off and he could feel his face throbbing.

He wanted to go home. 

His girlfriend was still right next to him and appeared to be talking to him again. Forcing his attention away from the pain and the blur of the crowd, he turned to find her face with his right eye. She was scared and was crying. Dan wanted to hug her and tell her it was okay, but he couldn't make himself say the words. 

"Home." Dan's voice was rough and shaky but it got her attention. He pushed himself up with his right arm to a sitting position and instantly regretted moving. The pain spread through his chest and then back to his head. Closing his eye as the nausea went like a wave through him, Dan allowed everything go dark for a second. 

"Maybe you need to go to A&E. Let me call your parents." Her voice was trembling like it was when she told Dan her grandmother had died. Dan wanted to make the tremble go away for her but he didn't know how right now.

He wasn't going to A&E like this. And if she called his parents, he was fully prepared to never speak to her again. His parents couldn't know this happened. 

"No." Dan willed himself to stand and prided himself on not getting sick. Walking away from the group, Dan was aware of every muscle and bone in his body crying out to let him rest. His car was a few yards from here and he was not stopping until he could sit in it and block out all the eyes on him.

Thankfully, he made it without falling over or becoming sick in his mouth.

"I'll drive." She reached for his keys in his front pocket and Dan pulled away from her before she could put her hand in his pocket. He didn't want anyone touching him right now. Reaching into his left pocket with his right hand, with every ounce of coordination he could muster, he found the keys and handed them over. 

She drove him home in relative silence, with only quick inquiries if he was still awake that went unanswered. Dan's mouth hurt too much to answer and he just didn't want to even acknowledge any of this was happening. 

Standing in his front yard, she handed him the keys and gave him a sad smile as she turned away to her own car. Dan slowly made his way toward the house and prayed no one was awake. 

His parents and brother were asleep as he entered the house. Walking to his room, he paused at the open door as another wave of nausea hit him. Filling his lungs helped and the nausea passed. He kicked off his shoes as he kept his head level to the floor. He slowly removed his dirty shirt and trousers in the same manner, replacing them with any oversized zip up hoody and his softest trackies. It was the longest it had ever taken him to take off his clothes and replace them. And the first time in years he did not bother picking up his discarded clothes and placing them in the dirty clothes bin. Gingerly crawling into bed, Dan laid himself on his right side and let his body sink into the mattress. 

It took less than one minute for all the thoughts to come rushing at him. 

He was so close to getting away from the people at his school. So close to not having to think about them and worry about their stupid comments. Now it was all ruined. Kieran told them all a lie and they would believe him. Kieran was the straight bloke that everyone liked. Dan was just the annoying freak with a girlfriend to at least have plausible deniability. 

Sleep never came. 

When the light started to enter his room, Dan could hear his family moving around in the house. His brother still had school and his parents jobs to attend. 

Dan had nothing planned for the day. His job didn't start again until next week and he didn't have to revise anymore. 

Not that he would have gone to school today anyway. He was never going back near any of those people again. 

It seemed like everyone had left for the day and it was safe to leave his room.

Dan went into the toilet to relieve himself. His left arm was better today, with only a dull ache. His hands had dirt on them that he washed away in the sink. He was sure the rest of his body needed washing, but it would take too much energy to get in the shower. His face and head felt like it wanted to burst. He still could not open his left eye without pain radiating through his head. Drinking some water from the tap without tilting his head, Dan let the water wash away the taste of blood in his mouth. Spitting out the darkened water, Dan ignored the blood in the sink. Still tasting the copper in his mouth, Dan repeated the process until his mouth hurt too much from moving the water around.

When he was done, he could hear his heartbeat in his ears and the back of his head killed. Avoiding the mirror as much as he could, Dan searched for the tablets to stop the pain. Not finding any pain reliever in the toilet area, Dan went to search the kitchen. 

His father was sat at the table finishing his coffee. If Dan knew he was still in the house, he would have suffered through the pain until he left. Dan paused in the entrance to the kitchen, not sure what he wanted to do. Before he could make a decision, his father looked up from this breakfast and shook his head. 

"Jesus, Daniel." His father was seeing everything Dan had avoided looking at in the mirror. "Tell me the other bloke looks the same."

Dan gave a small shrug with his left shoulder and hated himself for not being able to answer. Of course his father knew that the other guy probably didn't even have a scratch on him. It wasn't the first time Dan came home with a bruised eye or ripped clothes without answers.

"You need to learn to keep your mouth shut every now and then. Winding up mates your age leads to fist fights and you won't defend yourself." His father finished his coffee and left the mug in the sink. "And with your feminine clothes and hair like that, Jesus, it is if you are asking for it." 

His father left for work and Dan continued to search for the pain relievers, without a word said on the matter. Dan knew his father thoughts about his choices and the “asking for it” comment wasn't the worst thing he ever said to him. His father just didn't understand Dan and he likely never would. 

Finding the tablets, Dan read the package to see how many he would be allowed to take and paused seeing the warning label. If not taken as directed, it could lead to serious health complications, including death. 

It would be easier, right? The blissful peace of nothingness.

He couldn't though. He couldn't do that to his grandmother. She would torture herself with his death if he actually followed through on the plans he thought about at times. Her Christian faith stated suicide was a sin and the sinner would face all eternity in purgatory.

His laptop was charged and waiting for him when he returned. The internet was always there for him. There were forums of people he could share his thoughts with and get video game advice from when he was stuck on something. If only real life was as easy as the internet. Fail and reinvent yourself without anyone commenting on your choices. Don't like where your life is going? Just try a different game or a different video. Feeling lonely, log on and find a friend halfway around the world that doesn't know how much of a fuckup you really are. 

Testing to see if he could lay his head back, Dan found the pain too sharp and moved back to his side. 

He went through his forums quickly, the words too hard to focus on with his massive headache. Clicking over to YouTube, Dan smiled at the notification for a new video for AmazingPhil.

AmazingPhil was a bit awkward and nerdy like him, yet he was always happy. At least he appeared happy in most of his videos. This one wasn't a typical weird one though. He was just randomly talking and sharing information about himself. 

Dan decided his life was already shit and what would it matter if he commented on the video. After adding some comment about relating to the topic, Dan went through the rest of his subscriptions and allowed himself to fall asleep as people he didn't know in real life shared their thoughts with the world. 

  
  


“Can I touch you now?” Phil’s voice trembled as clenched his hands at his sides. Not touching Dan throughout the whole memory was making him antsy. 

Dan didn’t answer at first but he moved out from underneath Phil’s shirt and laid half his body across Phil’s as he buried his face into his neck. He wasn’t all the way back yet but he wanted to comfort Phil. He didn’t like the tremble in his voice. “Yes, just not my head yet.” 

Wrapping both of his arms across Dan’s back, Phil kept Dan close and allowed his own tears to fall. There was no where they needed to be today and Phil was content to stay in the same position for the rest of the day if needed.   
  



	2. Chapter 2

There was something cold on his cheek. 

The skin on his face felt stretched and sore, with the coolness easing some of the pain. 

There was fingers pushing back his hair from the side of his face. A light touch that was not welcome. 

He could smell Kieran and he felt the pull of his hair. The rock was pushing into his knee and there wasn’t enough oxygen getting to his lungs. The air was cold but his body was warm. He felt weighed down and sinking further into the ground. A force holding him in place but all he wanted to do was flee. He was frozen. 

With a jerk, Dan woke to realize he was in his bed and there was someone sat next to him. His overhead light had been turned on and from the corner of his right eye, Dan could see the slippers on his mother’s feet. If his left eye was working, and the cold pack wasn’t on his face, he might have been able to see the rest of her. 

He had fallen asleep earlier in the day, waking up around half three. He relieved himself in the toilet and then went to the kitchen to grab the tablets. He glanced toward the refrigerator but he wasn’t hungry and didn’t think he could eat anything anyway. 

After quickly taking the tablets and gingerly drinking some water while trying to move his mouth the least amount possible, Dan went back to his room and laid back down. He couldn’t get comfortable. It hurt too much to lie on the back of his head and there was no way he could lie on his left side. 

He laid awake for awhile staring at the dull colours of his room before a restless sleep took him over again. 

It felt later in the evening now. His mother likely had came home from her job, fed his brother, and eventually went to check on Dan when he didn’t come around complaining about hunger. 

“Your father told me you got into a row with a mate.” His mother continued to push back his hair on his forehead while she spoke, likely looking at the puffy skin and bruises covering his face. Kieran’s hand had been in the hair on the back of his head, but Dan still didn’t like her touching him. “This looks awful, Daniel.” 

Dan wanted to tell her to just go away. He wanted to tell her that touching his hair made it hurt worse. He wanted to tell her that he was fine and just needed to rest. 

And another part of him just wanted to break down in her arms and tell her everything. Tell her about how school had been hell for him. That yes, he joked about it being hell before, but it actually wasn’t a safe place for him to be. He wanted to tell her about feeling like a freak that didn’t belong and how certain lads looking at him made him feel like he needed to protect himself at all times. He wanted to tell her that before, when he came home with bruises and he just brushed them off, that he was terrified that one day they would do more than just leave bruises. About how he actively chose to be around a group of mates that had threatened him just because he didn’t want to give them any indication that they might be right about him. 

He wanted to tell her about Kieran and the stupid idea he had that Kieran might want to love him. About how he had been stupid and let his heart get attached. And how that stupidity had led to Kieran humiliating him in front of everyone. 

He wanted to tell her about how tired he was all the time. 

Instead, he stayed quiet and focused on not letting his breathing give him away. 

“I saved some food for you. Your brother seemed to enjoy it.” His mother stood at that and gestured toward the table beside Dan’s bed. “It is cold now, but I can heat it up if you want.” 

Dan had an annoying habit of not answering questions when he was upset; a habit that caused many arguments between Dan and his parents. His mother must have sensed that Dan was not in the mood for an argument and did not force him to answer. Instead, she turned off the light and left the room. 

Dan rubbed his head against the pillow to push away the tear and willed himself back asleep. The cold compress on his face felt nice but it just made him feel like shit. His mother had done a kind thing, bringing him a meal and something to make him feel better. He could likely be closer to his parents if he wasn’t...what he was. 

Dan continued his pattern of waking, using the toilet, drinking a small amount of water, taking some tablets, and then going back to sleep throughout the rest of the night into the next day. Late in the night during one of his trips to the kitchen, Dan threw away the food left for him. He felt too guilty to eat it and he was sure that he wouldn’t be able to chew it. 

Waking sometime in the afternoon, Dan knew he needed to get into the shower. His head no longer felt like it was going to explode and he felt grimy. 

Turning the temperature to a warm steam, Dan removed his clothes and was happy to find that it was much easier now to undress than it had been two nights ago. 

The back of his head was tender and the pressure from the water hitting it made a wave of nausea move through him. Turning his body to protect the back of his head, Dan found the water hitting the front of his face to be just as unpleasant. His left eye was only opening enough for Dan to see blurs and shadows around the room. He closed it again quickly when the water began to make it sting. 

Focusing on quickly washing off the dirt and grim from the past few days from the rest of his body, Dan turned off the water after a few minutes. 

He didn’t look in the mirror. 

Dan’s shoulders ached when he used the towel to dry them off. His head had taken up most of his attention when he hit the ground, but his upper back appeared to have been affected as well. Mentally scanning his body, Dan found that both his knees and his right ankle were also tender. 

He picked an older shirt and some jogging bottoms to wear, wanting to feel the comfort of something soft and familiar. 

Searching for his phone, he found that the battery was drained. He decided he wasn’t going to charge it and left it near his bed. 

His stomach was hungry but his mind was not. Looking through the cupboards and refrigerator for something he didn’t have to chew, Dan settled on a vanilla yoghurt. 

He ate it sat on the sofa in the lounge while watching something dumb on the television. It took awhile to find the best way to open his mouth enough to get the spoon in while not making the skin near his mouth feel like it was tearing. Curious, Dan ran his tongue along the instead of his cheek and found that the skin was torn in spots. The impact of Kieran’s knee had left indentations of his teeth along the inside of his mouth. His lips were slightly swollen as well, making eating something even that more difficult.

After his 20 minutes yoghurt adventure was done, Dan was tired again and fell asleep on the sofa. His dreams took over the sleep and he startled awake every few minutes. He was back in the field and the water was surrounding him, rising with every breath he took. 

“What the hell happened to your face?” A loud voice shouted at him, waking him up from his latest dream of blurs of people talking among themselves while Dan laid drowning in a pool of shallow water. Every time the water rushed into his lungs, his lungs would burn and his body would jerk him back to semi-consciousness. Then right back into the dream. 

“Seriously, that looks awful!” His brother came closer to the sofa and openly stared at his face. His brother still had a baby face and had yet to mature, reminding Dan of their age difference. And age difference that Dan always thought allowed his brother to be closer to their parents. They were more settled in their life when his brother was born. Another reason Dan always felt like a mistake. “It looks like someone tried to mash your face in. It is purple and green!” 

“Go away.” Dan said with a dry voice, sitting up too quickly and feeling the pain rush through his head. He hadn’t taken anything in awhile and he could feel it. The tablets didn’t take all the pain away but they at least dulled the edges. 

“But what happened?” His brother’s tone changed to one of genuine curiosity. Dan typically tried to hide bruises from him. This was the worst it has ever been and he could only imagine what his brother was thinking. 

“Nothing.” Dan took his time standing up and started walking toward the kitchen for the tablets and some water. To his displeasure, his brother followed him. 

“Lucas said something to me today.” His brother went to his cabinet and opened it for his after school snacks. He was almost thirteen now but he still had his own snack spot. “He said you tried to snog a mate during a party.” 

“What?” Dan swallowed the tablet harshly and felt it drag down his throat. Turning toward his brother, Dan felt his heart beating too loud. Yet his brother was just sat there without a care in the world eating a sugary snack. 

“I told him it wasn’t true. You are not a poof.” And with that, he ran off to play a game or watch telly or whatever else a typical almost thirteen year old does with his time when he doesn’t have to worry about what it means to think that other boys have pretty eyes. 

  


The thing was Phil was unexpected. 

He had been watching his videos for years, along with other YouTubers. In his quest to avoid thinking about anything related to school or what he wanted to do with his life, and what happened with Kieran, he went a bit much with all the comments. After running out of videos to comment on, Dan switched to Twitter. Going back to the beginning of time Phil, Dan found many tweets to at reply on as well. 

Phil told him that he stalked Dan's internet postings and found that Dan appeared genuine in his comments about having things in common. Phil was at a point in his life where he was searching for a connection with someone. Being the "awkward, clumsy, weird" kid that grew up into the "awkward, clumsy, weird" guy, Phil did not click with most people. He had mates over the years, but the genuine ones were rare. His romantic relationships were even rarer. He wanted what he had seen growing up; he wanted what his parents had with one another. 

The DMs turned into texts, that turned into longer texts. Eventually Phil suggested Skype. He didn't like to talk on the phone, much preferring to see the other person while he spoke with them. The Skype connection lagged and it was a bit awkward to get into the comfortable pattern their texts had, but soon it was second nature to have the application open while they went about their daily, or nightly, routine. There were times when neither of them spoke or even looked at the camera, busy doing something else in the room, but it felt natural. Over the months, they developed a friendship that neither of them had had before. Someone to share literally everything with, without fear that the other would judge them. Dan had learned what a gentle soul Phil was and how his brain was the most amazing brain because Phil thought about things so differently than anyone Dan knew.

Phil told him about the relationships he had with others and how he desperately wanted a connection with someone. He told Dan about his time in university and how freeing it felt to explore that part of himself, yet also terrifying because he had no idea what he was doing. He wasn't the type of person to randomly start chatting up someone, so he waited for someone to come up to him. When that didn't work, he tried the dating sites and was less than impressed with the options available to him. Mostly the men on the sites just wanted sex and after trying that once, he knew it was not what he wanted. He wanted a relationship. 

To have Phil talk so openly and matter of fact about being gay and wanting a relationship with another man was different for Dan. For him, wanting that had always been a secret shame or something used against him. Phil appeared to have fully accepted the fact that he was gay and did not have the shame Dan carried. Phil had told him it took awhile for him to understand being gay was okay, with Phil stating that now it was just another part of him. Like being anxious about random things or socially awkward around others, or being obsessed with nerdy things, being gay was just another part of him. Phil did acknowledge that being away at university had helped him process and accept it, with it not unusual that Dan was not fully comfortable with it yet. 

Dan shared with Phil about the bullying and how him not fitting into the standard box of "masculine man that liked women" at his all boys school was used as a weapon against him. He told him about the sexual comments and stares, about the threats on his life and the physical aggression directed toward him, but he didn't tell him about Kieran. 

He never wanted to think about Kieran again and he worked hard to repress the memories of him. 

Dan told his girlfriend only some of what happened, that Kieran had lied and he was the one that forced himself onto Dan. He didn't tell her about the months of flirting leading up to the kiss and then Kieran ignoring him. He didn't tell her that he had felt Kieran against his face. Only that he fought against it and Kieran kneed him in the face, and then punched him causing the black out. 

Dan continued his relationship with his girlfriend for the rest of the summer. He couldn't break up with her now, not after everyone had seen what happened at the party. He heard things here and there, rumours about what really happened. Most people believed what Keirian said, because everyone knew about Dan. Or they thought they knew about him. After a few weeks, no one seemed to talk about it anymore. This massive life altering event happened for Dan and then everyone just went back to their normal lives. 

Dan and Phil's conversations were not always that serious and they hardly ever stayed on one topic for long. They spoke about music and television shows, movies and video games, and also just what the pair had done during the day. For Dan, it was sleeping in and avoiding any major mistakes at work. For Phil, it was thinking of new video ideas and working enough to make money to move out of his parents' house. 

Neither of them spoke about the connection they felt with one another outside of mentioning that it was nice to finally find someone that understood them. Both expressed gratitude for their friendship. At times, their interactions were a bit flirty and somewhat suggestive of wanting more, but neither wanted to mess up the friendship they had. 

Dan and his girlfriend had a discussion about the future of their relationship and both decided it was not worth it to continue whatever they had while apart from one another. Dan did not need the protection of having a girlfriend anymore and she wanted the freedom to explore other opportunities at university. It was hard to let the relationship end because it felt like he was losing a safety net and he could start free falling at any moment. But it was the right thing to do. He would never be able to give her the relationship that she deserved and it was selfish to just want to keep her because he was afraid.

Dan was working to save money for university, but when Phil shyly suggested they met in person, Dan was more than willing to spend the money to make it happen. He wanted to get away and he wanted to meet Phil in person. 

As their first Skype calls were awkward, so was their first meeting. Phil’s nervous energy lead to attempting to bite Dan at random intervals and bumping into him as they walked. Dan’s nervous energy lead to laughing too loud and smiling too long as he stared at Phil. Even with all the nerves between them, it felt right. 

Phil showed him around Manchester. After the third location, Dan realized that Phil was taking him to all the best “date” sights. Dan felt the connection and the pull that there could be something more between them during the online interactions. The pull was intensified in person. 

Dan was terrified of what it meant, his heart was beating faster than it ever did with his girlfriend. Phil continued to bump into him and Dan continued to laugh too loud, and Dan kept thinking he wanted to kiss him. 

By the end of their “date,” as they watched the night sky from the wheel, Dan stopped Phil from biting his shoulder and rose Phil’s mouth higher to kiss him. Phil startled and Dan pulled back to turn his body toward Phil’s. Taking a second to look into Phil’s eyes for a sign that he didn’t want this, Dan saw the somewhat panicked expression on his face but also the want. Phil let out a breath and gave Dan a half smile. Leaning toward Phil, Dan properly pressed his lips against Phil’s and felt both their breaths catch at the contact. Phil gently grabbed the backs of Dan's elbows to keep him from pulling away and leaned further into the kiss. By the time the wheel stopped, both were left breathless and waiting more.

Dan wished he could say that kissing Phil reassured all those doubts he had about himself, but it didn’t. 

Phil was undeniably the most adorable, kind, and caring person he had ever met. He hardly ever had a stern word about anyone and he had a way of looking at situations in the most unique way. Dan was constantly fascinated by him. And it appeared that Phil was fascinated by Dan. 

Dan was not sure if he believed in the abstract concept of soulmates. Maybe a scientific idea that when the cosmos exploded, the matter that formed him and Phil must have been near one another. And now that the matter had found one another again, there was a cosmic pull toward one another. Once they met, it felt uncomfortable to be apart. Skype calls became longer and both spent all the money they had saved to make the discomfort go away. 

Dan felt safe to be himself around Phil. All those years of hating himself and wanting to be something else, and Phil loved him just the way he was, flaws and all. If he knew it wouldn't cause a tear in the space time continuum, Dan would go back to that scared little boy and tell him it was going to be okay. It wasn't going to be perfect, because nothing ever is, but he was going to feel safe and loved. All the nights crying himself to sleep and all the self doubts were going to be worth it if this was the reward.

The first time they were intimate, Dan almost had a panic attack about what it meant. Touching Phil felt natural, feeling Phil all around him and _inside_ him calmed him in a way he didn’t know existed. Leaving Phil after that week, Dan trembled all the way home. It was real now. He was the thing that he tried to ignore for most of his life. He wanted to hide away from it, and was tempted to end all contact with Phil. He could just deny it, then it would go away. 

Once he was home and back in that room, Dan lost it. His first proper breakdown since he had known Phil. He attempted to avoid him and resist every part of his mind and body that was screaming at him that he loved Phil. He was massively in love with a man, so much so that it ached to be physically away from him. 

He lasted only 12 hours before he reached out to Phil and told him about the doubts. Phil, blessed, wonderful Phil, listened to him sob and cry out his feelings and then said he wished he was there to hug away all the doubts. 

There was no denying that part of himself anymore. He couldn’t not be with Phil. 

They created a bubble of safety around them. Their flats were safe grounds where they could be themselves and be with one another. Both agreed that letting the audience in might mess with the dynamics of the relationship. Once you start sharing too much of yourself with the world, they expect more and more. It was all too fragile yet. 

No matter how safe he felt within those walls and with Phil, there were still parts of his brain that could not believe the rest of the world would be as safe. He grew up hiding himself from his family, and he couldn’t break the habit of reverting to only sharing with them the bare minimum. Being vulnerable around his family meant that they could reject him. They never understood him and he never allowed them to know him. It was easier to just not say anything. 

And whenever the safety was threatened, someone found something online or a friend of a friend made an off handed comment about them, all those insecurities and self-doubts would increase. He was that scared child again needing to hide himself to survive. And now it was worse, because he could potentially lose Phil and the life they had created.

Therapy helped to process the thoughts and the insecurities, but it was not a magic one stop fix. It was an ongoing process of working and unpacking thoughts and feelings. As Dan began to feel more comfortable with his therapist, he began to explore his negative thoughts about sexuality and the messages he had learned about sexuality when he was younger. His therapist recommended reading books on queer culture and theories. 

In his research he found that the part of the brain that is associated with romantic attraction is close to the part of the brain that is associated with addiction. The neurochemicals in the brain change when around someone you are attracted to, with the attraction leading to an almost addiction to the other person. As people bond and form attachments with one another, the “feel good” chemicals that are secreted in the brain reinforce being near the other person. Sustained bonding and attachment are associated with the expression of neuropeptides, vasopressin, and oxytocin, making the brain crave being near the object of attraction. Even just thinking about the other person leads to activation of that part of the brain, with pleasure and reward strengthening affectional attachment. Non-heteronormative attractions are seen as variations of affectional attachments. Not disorders or deficits, just variations of how the brain processes attraction and sexual feelings. 

And it seemed for Dan, those pleasure and reward centers were activated by Phil. Over the years, their bond grew stronger and that activation center made it even more difficult to think about being away from him. 

And the nagging thought that it could all end at any moment kept popping up. His whole world surrounded Phil and if Phil left, or was taken from him, he would be ruined. His therapist had went through healthy relationships dynamics with Dan when he shared the thought with him. About how using someone else to fill the emptiness inside yourself leads to co-dependent relationship dynamics and people getting hurt. And because he was a therapist, he turned the question back to Dan to ask what made Dan feel he wasn’t enough on his own. 

The answer to that question was something Dan was still searching for, but knew he might never find. 

He was working his way up Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. His physiological needs and safety needs were met, with his unintended career providing all his basic needs. His love and belonging needs were satisfied with Phil, Phil’s family, and his friends, and to some extend his own family. He was still working on the esteem aspect, with self-actualization maybe a distant dream. 

It was comfortable and safe for many years, but hiding a part of yourself becomes overwhelming and exhausting over time. The self-monitoring becomes exhausting. Constantly needing to watch what was said about them and how they presented themselves to the world, takes a toll on the mind and body. The constant threat of being "outed" or found out led to distress. Distress that was beginning to cause strain on their relationship. They would never be able to move further along until they were honest with those around them. 

His therapist was trained in queer affirmative psychotherapy. With the therapy addressing the impact of negative messages and experiences in shaping one’s idea of self and identity. Through the process of talking about the experiences and exploring personal narratives, the goal is to learn acceptance and self-validation. 

Dan began to change his interaction with his audience around this time, with his messages to his audience expressing validation and acceptance. In changing his external narrative with the world, he hoped to reinforce positive internal change as well. 

He was valid just as his was, yet there was space for him to grow into an even better person if he so wished. 

The self-acceptance and validation process took years. 

He knew that he would need to share some truths about himself to move forward. All the internal work he had done had led him to being uncomfortable enough to want to change more. 

That in order to work through the shame of the past, he needed to share his story. He would need to exhume all the repressed memories and emotions. He would need to lay it all out and be vulnerable. He would need to share it with someone and learn to accept it as his truth. 

With his platform and influence, Dan knew he wanted to share it with the narrative video format. And thus began the work of living his truth. 

“He wrote me a few years back. Around the time that the book came out and some of the main stream media were talking about us.” Dan laid with his head on Phil’s chest while the pair laid on their bed. It was getting later in the day and Dan felt lighter after sharing everything with Phil. “He left it at my parents' house. It took me awhile to read it. He said he was sorry. That he didn’t know how to accept that he was gay and he used me. He said he understood if I didn’t want to forgive him.” 

“Do you? Forgive him?” Phil stilled his hand brushing through Dan’s hair waiting for the answer. 

“I don’t know. I mean, I should given the fact that it was ten years ago now. I haven’t thought about it in so long, it almost doesn’t seem like it happened to me. Like it was a movie that I watched forever ago.” 

“Do you want to talk to him?” Phil turned them and moved down so he could see Dan’s face. He looked so tired yet peaceful. It was hard watching Dan go through the past memories and fight with the demons of his past. Dan would only let Phil see the worst of himself, and at times, that was overwhelming for Phil. Knowing that Dan trusted him with the worst of himself, Phil felt he needed to be there for him but it was hard to have that responsibility over another person. They had been together so long, Phil could almost sense Dan’s pain now. 

“No.” Dan shook his head slightly. He didn’t know if he would ever be able to talk to Kieran. That was a thought for another time. He needed to get through the script for the video first and the film it. And then post it. 

“Okay.” Phil kissed Dan’s forehead and then stayed close, wrapping his arm around Dan’s lower waist and pulling him closer. “I love you.” 

“I know.” Dan snuggled into his spot on Phil’s neck. “Ten years. Holy hell.” 

“Say it back.” Phil kissed the top of Dan’s head and then rolled him onto his back. Staring down at him, Phil smiled and lowered his voice. “Say it back.” 

“You love me.” Dan used both of his hands to push back Phil’s glasses by the ear pieces. Smiling up and staring into the prettiest eyes he had ever seen, Dan continued, “I love your personality. I love your heart. I love your brain. I love how you love me.” 

A breakdown feels like dragging yourself through hell. But a breakdown is needed for a breakthrough. 

Dan’s breakthrough was allowing himself to have the courage to learn to love and accept himself. 

He wasn’t all the way there, _yet_. But it was okay. He was okay. 


End file.
